Guru’s Gracious Presence In My Life : A Complete Spiritual Memoir

Introduction :

In the life of every human soul, there comes a moment when one questions the true meaning of existence, the mystery and purpose. For me, it came suddenly, shaking my faith and awakening a deep yearning to know the Universal Mother—Her compassion, creation and infinite essence. Guided by this call, I found my answers in Guruji and the wisdom of Sri Ganapati Muni. What began as doubt and confusion has now blossomed into a path of clarity, surrender and divine grace.

Jai Gurudev.

I am Kurabalakota Smitha, born in the serene village of Ramapuram in Chittoor District of Andhra Pradesh, now living in Singapore with my husband and son.

I grew up believing that faith meant offering daily prayers and visiting temples. Puja was everything I knew. But one unexpected event shook my understanding of the Divine Mother and made me question everything I believed. That moment awakened a strong urge within me to understand who the Universal Mother truly is—Her compassion, Her creation and Her incessant presence in our lives.

While this inner search was unfolding, my outer life also took many turns. After marriage in 2014, I worked hard to join the Indian Administrative Services. I gave four attempts between 2014 and 2018. Each attempt taught me something, but destiny clearly had other plans. Later, I embraced motherhood in 2020, a blessing that changed me deeply. In March 2023, I moved to Singapore with family, opening a new chapter in my life.

Through all these years—of hopes, disappointments, doubts, and small moments of grace—I felt guided, even when I didn’t understand how. My search eventually brought me to Guruji, and through him, to the teachings of Sri Ganapati Muni, which answered many of the questions I carried for years.

Today, what once felt like a confusing roller coaster has become a meaningful spiritual journey—a path of clarity, surrender and inner growth.

Representative Image of a young woman seeking deep answers!

A Restless Search for Life’s True Purpose

From a young age, one question kept echoing within me:

“What is the purpose of this life?”

“Is it success? Strength? Wealth? Power? Happiness?”

No answer felt complete, and this quiet curiosity slowly grew into an inner unrest.

There was a constant disturbance deep within—an inner stirring that refused to be ignored. During my pregnancy, I experienced a phase filled with extreme physical challenges. My days began with relentless bouts of vomiting, followed by brief hours of study, a little food and short, scattered naps. But strangely, there was always a strong urge to worship or do something devotional. Despite my struggles, I felt pulled toward devotion as if it were the only anchor holding me steady.

These inquisitions and inhibitions remained even after two years of my delivery.

The Unexpected Awakening On Varalakshmi Vratham Day

On the auspicious day of Varalakshmi Vratham in August 2022 - A festival dedicated to Goddess Lakshmi, my aunt took me to a nearby temple in my village, dedicated to the Divine Mother. That day, the temple worships Mother in the form of, “Akka Devathalu”, the Seven Sister Goddesses, in a grand festival filled with music, rituals, and devotion.

It was my first visit to this temple. As I stepped into the sanctum sanctorum and had the darsanam(sacred sight) of Mother’s form inside, something extraordinary happened. A surge of intense vibrations passed through my body. Before I could understand what was happening, I suddenly collapsed to the ground. I felt a heavy, powerful energy rushing into me—far beyond anything my body could bear.

While I was overwhelmed and trembling, people around misunderstood me. Some thought I was pretending to seek attention. Others whispered that the Divine Mother had possessed me.

Their gossip cut deep. I felt confused, helpless and utterly humiliated.

Someone offered me water, and after that, everything went blank.

When I regained myself, a hundred questions flooded my mind.

“How can I, an educated person, believe in possession?”

“Can Divine energy enter a human body?”

“Is it possible for such tremendous power to strike me like that?”

“Why did I fall? What caused such a reaction?”

Worse than the confusion was the shame. I kept replaying the moment in my mind—my collapse in front of strangers and becoming the center of meaningless gossip. I couldn’t accept it and the emotional weight pushed me into days of silent depression.

I told my father and repeatedly tried to convince him that I hadn’t acted or exaggerated anything. He believed me. One day, sensing my pain, he took me to a man guided by the village Goddess, Poleru Amma, a form of the Divine Mother believed to express Her power through certain individuals.

I had never believed in such things though.

But what happened next shook me to my core.

The Revelation from Poleru Amma’s Presence

The moment this Goddess-possessed person saw me, he revealed something startling. He said that I had been under the influence of a negative energy before entering the temple on that fateful day. When I had darsanam of the Mother, Her immense power drove that negative force away—and the shock of it was too much for my body, causing me to collapse.

I doubted him.

Until he revealed details that no stranger could ever know.

He described my family, our village, our house, the surrounding lands—every detail precise and flawless. He even spoke aloud the very thoughts running in my mind at that exact moment.

Every word he said was true.

I was left speechless, overwhelmed, and shaken.

This led me to deeper questions —

If a person touched by the Mother’s power can speak such truths, then who is the Divine Mother Herself?

What is Her real nature?

What is Her mystery?

And how can I ever know Her?

These questions began burning inside me, urging me toward a spiritual path I had never imagined walking.

A Cry to the Divine Mother

The next time I visited the same temple, my heart could no longer hold back. I stood before the Mother and cried :

“O Mother!

How can someone be possessed by You?

How can they know the truths of a person, a place, or a moment with such accuracy?

If this is possible, then tell me—Who are You? What are You?

I want to know Your true Nature!

I may not know stotras or perfect rituals, but I long to understand You.

Reveal Yourself to me!”

This heartfelt plea became the beginning of my true journey.

Beginning the Search — Learning Mother’s Names

Fueled by longing, I began searching online—looking for any guidance that could help me understand Her. One day, I came across a video on Sri Lalitha Sahasranamam, the thousand sacred names of the Divine Mother.

I learned that chanting these names with understanding could help one discover Her essence. But proper pronunciation and correct interpretation were essential.

So, I turned to the teachings of Sri Chaganti Koteswara Rao Garu, whose explanations helped me learn the pronunciation of all 1000 names with quiet dedication.

But the meanings still remained hidden from me.

To understand them, I was guided to videos of Sri Shanmukha Sarma Garu’s “Lalithopakhyanam”, where the inner meanings of each name were beautifully explained. As I listened, I realized that true understanding required more than intellectual learning— it required contemplation.

To know Her, I had to go within!

At this stage of seeking clarity and inner experience, I reached the video of Sri Renuka Gitam by Sri Surya Phani Madhav Guruji.

This brought a profound turning point to my life—A point that led me deeper into the spiritual understanding I had been longing for.

Discovering Sri Renuka Gitam — A Divine Turning Point

In one of Guruji’s teachings on Sri Renuka Gitam, I heard a name for the very first time :

Kavyakantha Vasishtha Sri Ganapati Muni — The Vedic Rishi of Extraordinary Spiritual Power!

Guruji explained that Sri Ganapati Muni composed Sri Renuka Gitam when He sensed a great danger approaching in his life. In that moment of deep devotion and surrender, He created this powerful poetic hymn in praise of Mother Renuka, seeking Her divine protection.

I still remember Guruji’s words clearly—

“Whenever anyone faces trouble, no matter how intense or frightening, chanting Sri Renuka Gitam will bring relief instantly. Such is its power!”

Moved by this assurance, I immediately turned to Sri Renuka Gitam. To my surprise, it felt simple and natural to chant. Its pronunciation was effortless, as though the Mother Herself had made the path easy for me. Soon after, I came across the Ghora Kashtoddharana Stotram, dedicated to Lord Dattatreya, which Guruji also recommended and patiently taught with correct pronunciation.

Although I had learned Lalitha Sahasranamam, I often struggled to chant it fully due to its complexity. But Sri Renuka Gitam and Ghora Kashtoddharana Stotram felt like blessings sent to guide me. They became my support, my comfort and my devotional companions—easy to practice, yet immensely powerful!

A Call Guided by Destiny — My Tele-Meeting With Guruji

My heart overflowed with gratitude for Guruji, for it was through him that Sri Renuka Gitam and Ghora Kashtoddharana Stotram entered my life and filled it with newfound peace. Their positive influence brought me immense solace, and slowly a desire arose within me— To speak to Guruji!

I noted down his phone number from the YouTube video. But deep inside, an old fear gripped me. All my life, I had doubted the authenticity of babas and gurus. I had seen many who sold their knowledge, whose teachings felt hollow and deceptive. A disturbing thought crossed my mind :

“What if Guruji is like them too?”

This fear held me back for days. I hesitated, unsure, afraid to be disappointed once again.

But destiny had its own plans.

Gathering every ounce of courage, I decided to call him—just once—so that I could see the truth for myself. I dialed his number with trembling fingers. And the moment Guruji answered the call, something extraordinary happened.

The sound of his voice sent a strong shiver through me. My hands shook, my breath caught, and my voice quivered as I began to speak. Despite my trembling tone, I narrated everything—every experience, every confusion, every step that had brought me to him.

I confessed to him, almost helplessly, that I knew no formal methods of puja or worship, and that all I had ever done was practice the pronunciation of Sri Lalitha Sahasranamam.

Guruji listened patiently, and then responded with words that brought an unknown solace to my soul :

“Don’t worry Amma! Continue chanting Lalitha Sahasranama.”

In that moment, his voice felt like a direct assurance from the Divine Mother Herself!

With renewed trust and a peaceful heart, I followed exactly what he asked me to do.

Finding Clarity in the Path of Upāsana

Days passed, as I continued to listen to Guruji’s teachings with growing devotion. One day, I came across his videos on the concept of Dasamahavidyas. The first time I watched them, I couldn’t pay much attention. The slokas and mystical sounds mentioned in those videos felt difficult to understand. I began searching for simpler explanations on other YouTube channels.

But everywhere I looked, I found instructions that only worsened my fear :

“You must do lakhs of japas.”

“You must complete one lakh or more.”

“After that, you must perform a homam or yagna, otherwise bad consequences will follow.”

Such warnings terrified me!

I wasn’t capable of doing elaborate rituals. My family had no knowledge of these practices and they would never allow such ceremonies at home. This fear once again disturbed my peace and made me feel helpless.

In this confusion, my heart naturally turned back to the one source of comfort I trusted— Guruji.

I revisited his Dasamahavidya videos, this time watching them in full, with focused attention. And to my relief, I found the guidance I desperately needed. Guruji explained the concepts of Mātra Upāsana and Śuddhōpāsana, reassuring that,

Dasamahavidya Sādhana can be pursued through deep contemplation on the mantra—not through complicated rituals or extreme practices.

A great weight lifted off my heart.

I thought to myself, “Thank God! There is a path that doesn’t demand homams, lakhs of japas, or complex rituals. Simple devotion and sincere upāsana are enough.”

From that moment onwards, I held firmly to Guruji’s teachings and also began attending his weekly satsangs, which became a source of immense strength and clarity on my spiritual journey.

A Lesson on Shivaratri — The Power of Unlearning

A few days later came the auspicious festival of Maha Shivaratri. During the satsang that evening, Guruji beautifully explained on the creation of sound vibrations while chanting “Om Namah Shivaya.” His words filled the atmosphere with a quiet, sacred depth.

During the session, a fellow seeker named Roshan asked several basic questions—questions that many hesitate to ask. Guruji answered each one with remarkable patience and compassion.

As I listened, I felt a sense of relief!

“Thank God!” I thought silently. “Someone is finally asking questions that have been troubling my mind too!”

While addressing those doubts, Guruji shared something profound—words that etched themselves forever into my heart. He said:

“Unlearning is essential. Keep that in mind. Śuddhōpāsana is the easiest path to reach your goal.”

Hearing this, I felt clarity settling inside me. For the first time, I felt a sense of direction.

I concluded within myself that Śuddhōpāsana truly was the simplest and most accessible path, especially for someone like me—someone whose circumstances didn’t allow complicated rituals or the involvement of family members.

With this newfound ease in my heart, life moved forward gently. Week after week, I continued attending the satsangs, carrying Guruji’s words with me like a lamp guiding my steps.

A Divine Lesson Unfolds

There were many astonishing revelations and quiet miracles that blossomed along my journey with Guruji. I feel inspired to share them, one by one, as they shaped my path in ways I never expected.

One day, during our satsang, Guruji made an announcement:

“I will be giving deeksha to all those who wish to receive it. Please send me your names.”

After the session, I called him and said anxiously,

“Guruji… I won’t be able to attend the deeksha programme in person.”

With his usual gentleness, he replied,

“No problem at all. I will give you the mantra online.”

True to his word, he initiated me into the Guru Mantra the very next evening.

Before ending the call, he added,

“After forty-five days, I will teach you pranayama.”

Days passed. Everyone else in our group received the second initiation—the pranayama deeksha—but, for some reason, I couldn’t receive.

Worry quietly crept into my heart. Feeling disheartened, I thought,

“Perhaps I’m still not eligible — Maybe I’m not yet ready”.

Then, one serene morning, something extraordinary happened.

I was awakened by a sudden sparking vision while my eyes were still closed due to sleep. The vision was of — Avadhuta Polayya Swami, Guruji's revered Master! His divine form came like a flash, appeared for a moment and vanished like a gentle spark of light!

From deep within, a soft, compassionate voice arose—almost as if Swami himself was speaking :

“I will teach you pranayama. Come — follow the steps.”

In that instant, with remarkable clarity, the inner voice guided me through every step of the pranayama practice. I simply followed, absorbing the entire process with awe and gratitude.

My heart overflowed with devotion. Later that evening, I reached out to Guruji and shared the entire experience with him. He listened, felt happy and then confirmed with warmth and certainty:

“Yes! That is exactly the pranayama I’ve been teaching.”

Guruji mentioned that he, too, was concerned about not having me initiated into pranayama yet. His schedule had been filled with continuous, back-to-back travels, and he was unsure of the right moment to begin.

And then lo!

I revealed to him the news of Polayya Swami appearing to me and how, in a blaze of grace, completed the initiation Himself! Hearing this, Guruji was overjoyed because this incident affirmed his Master’s living presence in his work.

With deep reverence he said, “The Masters are great. This is not my work—it is theirs!”

He then urged me to continue my practice with complete dedication.

This was not just a miracle but a divine reassurance that when the disciple is ready, Grace itself comes to teach.

A New Discipline Born from Devotion

After my pranayama initiation, I longed to practice the sadhana regularly, as instructed by Guruji. For that, I needed quiet, uninterrupted time. But my family knew nothing of my spiritual journey, and I hesitated sharing with them, fearing they might object. Moreover, once my son woke up, my entire day belonged to him, keeping me occupied until he finally slept again. So the only time truly my own was in the early morning hours.

I never had the habit of waking up before dawn, yet I knew I had to rise early, if I wished to follow the path laid before me. So, one night before sleeping, I prayed to Guruji to help me wake up at 3 a.m. the next morning.

To my astonishment, at exactly that very hour, a voice gently called out,

“Ammayi le!”—“Wake up, dear!”

It was the voice of Polayya Swami once again. I rose instantly, acknowledging His presence and sat for my sadhana.

The same voice awakened me the next morning and again the day after, continuing for several days. This divine guidance persisted until waking at that sacred hour became a natural habit. It was clear that Polayya Swami Himself was training me—shaping my discipline and ensuring that I remained steadfast in my daily practice.

That's how a new discipline was born in me and all of this unfolded through the power of devotion to the Guru!

Balancing Spiritual Discipline with Family Dharma

My family—including myself—has always eaten non-vegetarian food. Before giving me initiation, Guruji lovingly advised that I should avoid it, as it could affect my spiritual practice. I tried to stop and succeeded for a while, but eventually I started eating it again—sometimes because my family insisted, and sometimes because my own cravings took over.

At one point, I confessed this to Guruji and asked, “Guruji, I can stop eating non-veg, but my family is used to having it regularly. Even if I abstain, is it alright for me to cook `for them while pursuing my practice?”

Guruji smiled and said,

“Your first Dharma is to keep your family happy. That is your responsibility. One should never undertake deekshas that obstruct their family duties!”

His words soothed my heart and I continued my practice with renewed joy.

Discovering Mother’s Guiding Presence In My Life

1)The Guiding Presence of Poleru Amma

Ever since the incident when my father took me to a Mother-possessed man nearby our village—seeking clarity about why I had suddenly collapsed in the temple, a deep and unshakable faith awakened within me for the Divine Mother. In our village, She was revered as Poleru Amma. Quietly and inwardly, I developed a profound devotion towards Her. I prayed to Her constantly, seeking guidance and strength during every moment of confusion.

Later, after coming into contact with Guruji through his video, I began chanting Sri Renuka Gitam regularly. It brought immense comfort to my heart.

One day, out of sheer curiosity, I asked Guruji,

“Guruji, who is Renuka Devi?”

To my utter astonishment, he replied,

“She is none other than the Grama Devatha—Poleru Amma.”

I was overwhelmed with joy and wonder. The very Mother—Poleru Amma—who had drawn me towards Her since the temple incident, was the same Divine Form who guided me to my Guru as Sri Renuka Devi.

This realization felt nothing short of a miracle, and it deepened my faith in the Divine beyond measure.

2) The Mother Who Followed Me Across Oceans

We left India in March 2023 and moved to Singapore for professional reasons. While relocating, I couldn’t bring any photos or idols for worship. Once we settled in Singapore, I visited an Indian store hoping to find a picture or idol of Devi that I could resonate with. I browsed through many beautiful forms, yet nothing touched my heart.

Then, one day, a particular photo caught my attention.

Something within me whispered, “This is the one.”

I bought it immediately, brought it home and began worshipping Her every day.

Much later, while watching one of Guruji’s videos, I heard him speak about Padaiveedu Kshetram in Tamil Nadu, the abode of Sri Renuka Devi, and give a discourse on Mother's form and glory.

As soon as the video ended, I googled for Sri Renuka Matha's picture of Padaiveedu—and instantly froze upon seeing the photo. The image I found on Google matched perfectly with the very form I had brought home from the Indian store and had been worshipping all along.

A wave of wonder and gratitude flowed through me.

That day, I understood with crystal clarity :

The Divine Mother Herself had come into my life.

She came to live with me, protect me and guide me— even across oceans!

Why else then, out of many images and idols, only that one picture captivate my heart so strongly?

It was Her way of saying, “I am with you. Always.”

3)The Mother’s Grace Upon My Child

By divine grace, my son never suffered from fever, cold, or any significant health issues during his infancy. However, when he was about 2 years and 6 months old, during one of our visits to India, something unexpected happened. For three consecutive days, he refused to eat anything and even turned away from milk.

Concerned, we took him to the hospital. After examining him thoroughly, the doctors told us that everything was perfectly normal—they couldn’t identify any reason for his sudden loss of appetite. We were left puzzled and anxious.

A little later, we visited the Poleramma temple, and the moment we stepped inside, my son looked at me and said,

“Amma, I’m hungry! I want to eat.”

We were utterly stunned.

Just like that, as if a veil had lifted, he returned to his usual cheerful self.

Whatever the unseen reason might have been, it was clear to us that by Her grace, my child was restored to normalcy. The Mother had intervened in Her own mysterious way.

My Take-Aways From Guruji’s Satsangs

1) Lessons From Guruji’s Grandmother’s Life

Guruji often speaks of his grandmother—his first Guru, his divine guide, and the light that shaped his early spiritual journey.

Through countless stories, he shares her wisdom and the quiet strength she carried.

During one satsang, he told us how, even as a tapasvi, she lived the life of a devoted householder. She never neglected her family duties, nor did she ever compromise on her sadhana. With serene discipline and unwavering sincerity, she continued her spiritual practices silently amidst all her responsibilities.

Her life became a powerful lesson for me. It taught me that one can walk the path of sadhana wholeheartedly while still fulfilling every aspect of family life. To me, that is the true essence of Suddhopasana—pure worship lived through devotion, balance and inner integrity.

2) Guruji's Teaching From Newton's Law

Once, Guruji beautifully illustrated a profound truth using Newton’s third law of motion :

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

He explained that the same principle applies to the mind. Our minds are filled with countless desires, and it is neither natural nor possible to suppress them by force. When we try to control the mind aggressively, it pushes back with even greater intensity—creating stronger resistance and deeper unrest.

Instead, Guruji advised gently guiding the mind and patiently coaxing it towards fewer desires. Gradual transformation, he said, brings harmony while force only invites adverse consequences.

This teaching left a deep and lasting imprint on my heart.

3) Discovering Śuddhōpāsana and My Inner Path

Days rolled by, and then one morning Guruji, in his satsang began a discourse on Tripura Rahasyam—the profound spiritual wisdom bestowed by Lord Dattatreya Himself!

The teachings that unfolded in those sessions became one of the most powerful turning points in my inner journey.

As Guruji explained each verse, something within me shifted. I began to understand the nature of the ariṣaḍvargāḥ—the six inner enemies, and more importantly, the path to conquer them. Slowly, silently, transformations began to blossom inside me.

A sigh of relief welled up within me and often, I found myself thinking,

“Thank God—Guruji’s satsangs are shaping who I am, in one way or another!”

When the Tripura Rahasyam discourse concluded, Guruji began Sri Ramana Geeta—a sacred dialogue where Sri Ganapati Muni poses questions to his revered Guru, Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharishi on tapasya and its true nature.

This became another profound turning point in my spiritual evolution.

Through this text, I learned the beauty of absolute surrender. Sri Ramana Maharishi’s words resonated deeply:

“Surrender yourself to the Higher Power and He will take care of everything.”

In the pages of Ramana Geeta, I once again felt a powerful connection, especially with the teachings on Śuddhōpāsana. For me, Śuddhōpāsana meant tuning deeply into the sound of the mantra—tracing it inward, discovering the source from where it arises. This was nothing but the essence of Self-enquiry.

This was the moment when I got complete clarity. Everything I had been learning, experiencing, and seeking was finally converging into one luminous understanding.

This is my path!

This is my tapasya!

Embracing the True Path of Sādhana

Life had its ups and downs, and often my sādhana would falter or become irregular. I used to feel very guilty of not following the practice regularly. Often Guruji spoke about the right conduct of sādhana and his words resonated deeply with me—they reflected my own life so perfectly. At that moment, I sincerely confessed all my mistakes, even those I had been unaware of.

During one satsang, Guruji shared a simple yet profound instruction:

“Whether it is keerthanas, bhajans, or any form of devotion—Just continue.

Keep moving forward.”

Those words cleared all guilt and heaviness from my mind and brought a deep sense of clarity and solace, allowing me to continue my spiritual journey with renewed determination.

Guided by the Divine and Guruji’s Light

I am unsure whether to call this misfortune or destiny’s gentle test, for even after two attempts, I have never had the chance to meet or even glimpse Guruji in person. Still, every transformation, every insight, every awakening of my inner being has unfolded without a single physical encounter. I have relied solely on his teachings and the profound power of his words! Through his videos and satsangs, his voice and divine intention have become my guiding light, quietly illuminating my path from within.

I hold a deep prayer in my heart that one day I may receive the sacred privilege of meeting Guruji and spend sometime in his radiant presence!

My gratitude flows endlessly to the compassionate Mother Poleru Amma, the venerable Śrī Gaṇapati Muni, Polayya Swami and dear Guruji for their limitless grace, protection and guidance.

With a heart overflowing with devotion and reverence,

I offer my humble prostrations to them all.

Jai Gurudev.